In response to "Legacy" (chopped in size) :)

First of all, it's almost 11pm and this is about the only time in the entire Jchoc time-space continuum that I ever, ever get loquacious regarding anything.

I read this last post that will fall directly below mine, and as I type, I think about how two people are (theoretically) supposed to contribute to this blog. So what better way than to respond to the other writer's post? (I was going to do it anyway, but now I have a legit reason of sorts) (I guess)

Anyway right! About Legacies! I read the previous blog and it was truly wonderful to see the beauty of the nice family and the traditional settings and activities that my fellow blogger and friend has described. She has every right to be content and grateful for what she has and the life she has lived. Reading it made me think about my own life, and actually, how quite different it is. And also how it has shaped me as a person. Oddly.

[...]

My life has made me who I am, and I am still trying to figure that out today. (who I am, that is) I wish that there was a better way to say this, but sometimes life really sucks and sometimes I don’t know what to do about it. You get thrown experiences and you’re supposed to live through them. But nobody tells you how.

Family is a beautiful concept and it must be carefully handled. It makes you who you are, whatever that “who you are” will be. Be grateful for it, no matter who’s part of your lovely legacy league. You’ll never get a better bunch of people to show you what life’s all about, really. And if you still find life surprising, they are certainly there to commiserate with you in your sufferings. I find it that way with mine. I’m not nuclear, and sometimes I wish it were so, but, that’s not really what the big “it” is, is it? It’s the beauty of the human experience. I really like this line from an Avett brother’s song I am particularly fond of (hey Brian if you read this and made it this far, I bet you can guess which one!):

“Always remember there was nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name”

We’re all probably nuts like the rest of the world, but I love my family.

-Jaychoc-o-lotto

Legacy

I feel like I’ve breathed this huge sigh of relief, that I’ve recaptured that belongingness and level of comfort that is afforded only by coming home, of being with people that you know at this level that is unparalleled really anywhere. It’s this feeling of knowing how to live with these people, of this lifelong history of a shared environment. There really is nothing like it. And I don’t know if I’m being sentimental because “absence makes the heart grow fonder” or if I’m just in one of those moods, but I was sitting in the living room listening to the speakers my dad just built; it was one of those moments that you never want to end. And I got to thinking a bit. So here’s my inheritance/legacy of greatness. (not quite the correct words for what I'm trying to express, but they'll work loosely)

My Dad
Sure he can get on my nerves and sure he has quirks that you have to adjust to and accept, but that’s characteristic of everyone. I got to thinking, however, that my husband’s got a lot to live up to. My dad’s a pretty amazing guy, who fits and molds this stereotype of a great dad and family man. He’s crafty and woodworks with the best of them—has built most of our furniture. He plays golf pretty much everyday and is good at that as well. He’s really into stereos and has this awesome quality system. He’s sporty—coached both me and my brother for years, still coaches, and still plays soccer and bball himself. AND he’s smart—a chemical engineer. And he’s curious about the world, always seeking to understand more things. He’s this great Christian, seeking to better understand God and that relationship. He does basic car mechanic-y stuff. He’s not overly sensitive and gushy, but he does care. And on top of all that, he’s an animal lover—a house is not a home without a dog. That’s quite the tall order there: good/smart job, woodworking, coaching kids sports teams, golf, man of God, car guy, and generally outgoing and personable. Yes indeedy, quite the stereotype there.

My Mom
My mom’s this all American great stereotypical mom. Home room mom, cooked and baked, kept a clean and orderly house while carting around the kids all day. She was that mom that made her kids lunch and would tuck a note in with the peanut butter sandwich just to say that she loves them. She organized sleepovers, let the neighborhood kids play in and around the house, laid back enough to let the kids be kids but also able to teach right from wrong. She organized birthday parties in the park and decorated Christmas cookies for the holidays and battled the snow to get to Grandma’s house by December 24th. She’s abundantly patient and loving, no matter what. She was there for the scraped knees and heartwrenching tears and ready with a snack after school to hear about how Johnny pushed Hunter and how Taylor’s tongue turned purple because of the KoolAid. And as I’ve gotten older, she’s become this ear and sage to whom I can turn about anything. She’s been able to mature and grow with us (my brother and I) as we grew up so as not to alienate or lock herself in this unreachable time lock. She’s adjusted to being an empty nester fairly well, finally being able to pick up her own interests that she’d set aside in order to raise her children. Now she’s in a knitting club, holds two part time jobs, reads, and gardens.

I grew up in a small town with a white picket fence. I had a family dog, a brother, and an allowance. We’d run around in the neighborhood with all the kids, playing games in any and all of our yards because it was safe to just roam the neighborhood. I baked with my mom, went to soccer practice with my dad, and we went to church on Sundays as a family. I was on the Bible quizzing team and made straight A’s in school without having to try. I wasn’t popular but I had friends; we weren’t rich but I never did without; and overall I was generally happy.

This is my legacy: for all you cynics out there, I just wanted to inform you that the stereotype exists, because I lived it… and I didn’t think that it was anything unusual. And as I stand at the crossroads in my life, looking back at the road behind me and the white picket fence, I can’t help but to get a little sad—for all the things that were and that will never be again; for all the things that I lived, without really understanding their significance; for all the ways that my life was perfect but I didn’t realize it at the time.

And I hope that this bit of intro- and retro-spection will be able to jumpstart that ability to live in the moment and cherish it for what it is and for what it will be, to better enjoy it as I live it and not only in reminiscence.

And in spite of all this, it feels so good to come home.

D*sire

Summer Recap

I've been working in the Clinical and Cognitive Neuroscience department at the University of Missouri. Got to be a subject for an EEG and fMRI study. Got to help run the EEG and fMRI studies. Met some cool people--including one from Germany.

Also got a paid internship in the Molecular Microbiology and Immunology department at the Med Science Building at Mizzou. Feels very "sciency"--pipettes, microscopes, chemicals. Met some cool people there, including one who's wedding was like something off tv.

Been volunteering at the Missouri School for the Deaf. Has shown me how much my sign skills are lacking... has also shown me how much I love sign in spite of everything. I love how the kids interact; it's what I always dreamed being a part of a large family would be like--the little kids bugging the older ones, the older ones messing with the little ones, helping the little ones, doing each other's hair, everyone helping to clean up after dinner. And it's all done with hands flying in rapid conversation. It's incredible.

I've been living with Nana and Papa. Which has been interesting. It’s been trying at times due to Nana’s attempted mothering instincts. It’s been great because I don’t have to pay for room and board. And getting to spend time with them for such a large block is good too, because (not to be too depressing) we don’t know how long this opportunity would be around. It’s been interesting living with a Parkinson’s patient as well as someone HOH. Definitely gives me perspective on the practical day to day challenges of the families of the people I could very well be dealing with professionally in the future.

I’ve read 15 books.

I’ve run just about every day and biked some (one time 30 miles!).

I’ve been working on my resume and grad school applications and statements of purpose.

Visited an oral deaf classroom—that was interesting to see the speech therapy and all the CI kids.

Met a few nice people—went to a bar a couple of times, and a couple of indie flicks (Gigantic and Moon).

Played some pickup soccer with the psych dept.

Watched a lot of Friends and Scrubs and NCIS—love them.

Got some sweet furniture from Nana and Papa’s storage room.

The weather (temperature wise) has been incredible. Supposed to be 75 degrees this weekend, July 18th!

Went "bar hopping"--sorta. That was an experience. Meeting people in a bar, tried this super strong shot of something minty, danced a (very) little. But it was pretty no pressure b/c it was my last night in the state and I went with some girls that carried the conversation and made sure I had an out if I was uncomfortable. Also got to see one of the girl's DJ brother and a drummer practicing in their empty (closed) club. It was pretty cool. And no I did not get wasted. Just to clear that up.

Oh and huge perk—didn’t have to get up and get to work at 8, which means more sleep AND still getting to run in the morning.

Really couldn’t ask for a better summer. What else would I have been doing? Working 15 hours a week at Pretzelmaker and living at home, bored out of my mind? This has been way better for me (and my resume).

D*sire

One Word

Just got back from the lab (psych lab). The German guy (Thomas) and I share an office. So I came back from the MRI center and go to our office to get my stuff. He was still there doing stuff on the computer. So we make polite conversation. It's 4 oclock on a Friday and he and I are pretty much the only ones left (which sounds like I'm setting something up that I'm not, don't get excited). So I'm packing up and he says something about "So you're leaving?" And I was like "Yeah." Beat. "How late do you work?" And he kinda glances at the screen where he's working on an email. "Oh, I'm just typing up emails to my friends in Trier." Beat, smiling. "So it's not really work."
Holy. Freaking. Crap. He slipped one word in German in, and I literally melted all over the floor. They had to come and mop me up. And I'm not even attracted to him! AND German's not a hot language... but it was probably the most sexy thing all summer. And it's ten times sexier when they don't know that it's sexy. *sigh*

D*sire

Gadzooks! a Post!!!

So this weekend I went canoeing down a lake crawling with alligators (this is JChoc by the way). It was amazing. It was scary (I wasn’t kidding about the alligators, we counted at least eight). It was beautiful. It was silent. It was eye-opening.

Finally getting to have an intellectual conversation and a discussion on what God is like makes this come a lot easier and picks up right where things left off. =) One thing that I love about how God is is that He makes nature. I really can’t handle how beautiful He has made the earth. How do you not look at the graceful egret taking off for flight and not think, there’s got to be more than random stuff and a directionless mixture to make something beautiful? The water below was clean and dark, green and blue with turquoise running through it like a play on colors that only One intimate with the color blue could express. Of course, below that blue were many feet of deep water that I could sink in. That’s not too exciting, but after ignoring that, I could look over the side and watch the ferns and fallen trees grow underwater fronds which swayed in the liquid breeze, like an upside down reality.

Dude, can you tell I like nature?

Yup, it’s one of my favorites. I could lay in it for hours. Just lay in the grass and listen to animals go about their day without even a thought of the human body taking up space. Like Jesus says, the lilies neither toil nor spin, and neither do any of His other animal creations. They just kinda go. Ever try to misdirect an ant? Sure it gets confused, but once it gets their bearings, it keeps going. How do you think that little dude gets his focus? From his Creator who takes care of him.

But sorry, back to the river with the alligators (there were some that were pretty huge. They’re so quiescent –GRE word!- that you can’t tell if they’re a log or not until you accidentally get too uncomfortably close) Sorry again! River. Alligators. Weekend. Yes, okay. So, while I’m paddling with my buds, I got to thinking about certain things. I guess it's same-ole, same ole, but ahwell.

Either way, it was good fun on the river.

J-J-Jaychoc!!

As a direct antithesis to my previous post, I have discovered that there is one place that I always feel like I belong, even in a town where I know no one--the soccer field. Now that may not come as a surprise to those of you that care to read this, but it definitely does to me. Sure I grew up playing soccer, but it was with the same people always. I didn't expect the feelings of familiarity to necessarily transfer to any soccer field anywhere... but apparently it is far reaching in its breadth.

And that's a nice feeling of "homeness" in a place whose newness everywhere is so very wearying.

D*sire

I'm tired of pushing through other people's established spheres and going someplace that I don't belong. It's so tiring. I just wanna go home, where I fit in comfortably, easily.